Coming up on the Goat

By Anna Chan

Chinese New Year is upon us once more, and this year the Goat is on the plate. What does the year of the Goat mean? Well, if you really want to know, why are you reading this? This is AP, stupid. It’s a farce–like Ginger Beef. You really think they eat that in China?

Rat (1948, 1960, 1972, 1984)

Rats are inherently carriers of disease; anything from the common cold to arthritis. This is probably due to their constant scavenging. Highly contagious, their lack of direction and constant search for cheese only leads to traps.

Compatible Match: There is no compatible match for the Rat, except for antibiotics or a bottle of all-purpose Windex.

Best Prepared: Rats are rather bony and don’t have a lot of meat. It is suggested that rats are not eaten at all.

Ox (1949, 1961, 1973, 1985)

Oxen believe in love at first sight. Unfortunately, Oxen also experience the world’s highest divorce rate because they are very near-sighted. Oxen have short fuses and can be irritated very easily. Where do you think the saying “Don’t have a cow” came from?

Compatible Match: The Ox is most compatible with Pig as they can share their farmyard experien-ces with one another.

Best Prepared: Despite popular belief, Alberta beef is not the best, Peking beef is. Peking cattle are fed an all-bean diet which results in its tofu-like taste. Good for barbecuing and messing with vegetarians.

Tiger (1950, 1962, 1974, 1986)

Despite their composed exterior, Tigers are fragile and always need coaxing and attention. They are also known for their addiction to Prozac.

Compatible Match: The Tiger and the Rabbit have good rapport.

Best Prepared: Tiger is absolutely scrumptious when served with pasta and zebra mussels.

Rabbit (1951, 1963, 1975, 1987)

Rabbits have a tendency to drink too much during dinner parties and on their own. They are also known to dabble in hallucinogens and smoke up from time to time.

Compatible Match: The Rabbit’s best compatible match is the Dragon, who always carries a light.

Best Prepared: Rabbit is best prepared in a red-wine sauce and served with mushrooms.

Dragon (1940, 1952, 1964, 1976)

Despite having a head full of hot air, Dragons can be very warm-hearted to those they keep close. Dragons are outdoor types and appreciate a good bonfire. Many Dragons seek successful careers in pyrotechnics or fail horribly as fire fighters.

Compatible Match: The Dragon’s best match is the Rabbit whose drunken stupor will throw off the Dragon’s rhythm, keeping them both from a nice ass scorching.

Best Prepared: It may be difficult to catch a dragon, but once obtained, throw it on the barbecue. Best when well done and served with marshmallows.

Snake (1941, 1953, 1965, 1977)

Be forewarned about the Snake’s hissy-fits. Their greedy nature can also be a pain in the neck, but confronting them won’t rattle their nerves. Pay special attention to the venomous ones, they’re always out for a bite to eat.

Compatible Match: The Pig and Snake are an unstoppable combination. Fat and long is the way to go.

Best Prepared: Snake is best in a broth with eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog. Don’t forget the dash of MSG!

Horse (1942, 1954, 1966, 1978)

In the Chinese Zodiac the Horse is commonly nicknamed the whore-se. Horses are easy. They will do anything for a good rumble in the sack, which works out well as they make for great rides.

Compatible Match: The Horse and the Rooster are best pals. Figure it out.

Best Prepared: Stir-fry horse with fresh garden vegetables and a bit of honey.

Goat (1943, 1955, 1967, 1979)

Goats have a difficult time making friends and getting to know people. They are very self-conscious and expect others to make the first move.

Compatible Match: Once you get the Goat and the Tiger together the fun never ends. Not until the Tiger gets irritated and eats the Goat… but aside from that, the fun never ends.

Best Prepared: If you’ve never tried a goat burger with goat cheese and a glass of goat milk, you’re missing out!

Monkey (1944, 1956, 1968, 1980)

The moody Monkey is always seen swinging from one emotion to another. To display their anger, Monkeys will throw piles of their own feces at others. They will also throw their feces when they’re excited, or stressed, or sad. Monkeys do not get along with most other animals. Can you guess why?

Compatible Match: The Dog and Monkey share a lot in common, like the need for other people to clean up their crap.

Best Prepared: The only proper way to eat a monkey is by sucking it dry, brain first. So get yourself one of those huge slurpee straws, shove it in and suck away.

Rooster (1945, 1957, 1969, 1981)

Roosters have difficulties being genuine and always pretend to be tough and macho. They use their shrill cry and colourful feathers to attract as much attention as possible. Roosters may appear to be too cocky, but this is merely a defence mechanism. Challenge them, or they will slowly peck away at your patience.

Compatible Match: Roosters and Monkeys are foul.

Best Prepared: The best way to eat a rooster is late at night, popcorn style. Goes well with cocktails.

Dog (1946, 1958, 1970, 1982)

There’s a reason Dogs are known to follow others like a shadow (or a sad puppy dog). Dogs are highly suggestible and easily manipulated. They have good intentions and are good listeners, but their advice only goes in circles.

Compatible Match: The Dog and Rooster are perfect complements to each other. As the Rooster dishes out the insults, the Dog will take it on all fours.

Best Prepared: Roast smaller dogs in under 25 minutes—just set it and forget it! For shaggy dogs add ten minutes to cooking time.

Pig (1947, 1959, 1971, 1983)

The Pig is easily the butt of all jokes, probably because it has a very big one. Pigs are known for being unsanitary and rolling around in their own filth. This is often overlooked. Why? See: Monkey.

Compatible Match: In a quiet setting the Goat and Pig can hold lively conversation and are able to kid around with one another.

Best Prepared: Air-born. It’s still good, it’s still good.