Confessions of a fake Slim Shady

By Kris Kotarski

Being a music video star is not easy. Endless hours of thankless work, low paycheques and Carson Daly make appearing in a music video much less glamorous than it should be. However, meeting a video star, especially interviewing one, is every reporter’s dream. Last week the Gauntlet’s very own Kristian Leach realized that dream when he caught up with one of the stars of Eminem’s "Real Slim Shady" video, U of C student Kris Kotarski. One of the fake Slim Shadys in the video, Kotarski quickly skyrocketed to stardom only to tumble into the disgusting, repulsive shell of a human being that he is today.

Gauntlet: Thank you for giving us your time today, Mr. Kotarski. I really appreciate you fitting us into your busy schedule. I’m a really big fan.

Kotarski: Shut the f**k up, you bitch! Respect the Shady!

G: OK… Anyway, how did you become the big star of the video?

K: That’s better. Well actually, they just took me off the street. At first, I didn’t really know what was going on, but since I needed money for smack, I just went along with it. When I found out that they were gonna pay me, I almost shit myself.

G: So it was on to big things for you?

K: Certainly. I started chillin’ with the real Slim Shady himself. He took me under his wing, yo. He taught me the wisdom of the street. Straight up!

G: So you and Eminem became friends?

K: Me and him were tight, yo. We were like brothers. I used to bring him sandwiches and clean his sneakers and shit. It was dope.

G: It was what?

K: I said dope, fool! Open up your f***ing ears, jackass!

G: Anyway, so you were Eminem’s little bitch?

K: No man, we were like this (crossing his arms across his chest). I picked up all his habits and shit. I was like a Mini-Me, yo.

G: What?

K: A Mini-Me, bitch. Like a little Slim Shady.

G: OK. How did that change your day-to-day life?

K: I started calling my mom a whore and threatening death to my girlfriend. She didn’t like that too much.

G: Your mom or your girlfriend?

K: Both, yo. I don’t need no hoes.

G: They kick your ass?

K: Oh yeah.

G: That it?

K: Hell, no. That bitch kicked my ass out of the house and my girlfriend left me. I lost my job, too. I called my boss a f***head and told him I wanted to sleep with his fat-ass daughter. He didn’t like that too much.

G: He kicked your ass too?

K: Oh yeah.

G: So no job, no home and no woman. What did you do next?

K: It was tough, but I stuck it out. I got a sweet-ass job again and life is good.

G: What kind of job?

K: I’m kitchen staff at Burger King, yo. Next week I might make crew chief.

G: So life’s on an upturn?

K: Hell, yeah. Got a new video lined up, too. Yanni came by the BK last week and ordered up some Whoppers. He recognized my talent. He wants me to be in his next video. It’s gonna be hardcore, yo. I’m gonna bring Yanni back to the hood. Cornbread. Ain’t nothing wrong with that.

G: From Eminem to Yanni, you sure have range.

K: Yo bitch, if I learned anything, it’s that the business is tough.

G: Anything else you want to add?

K: Yeah, bitch. There’s a little Slim Shady in all of us.

G: Even Yanni?

K: My man Yanni’s got some ill rhymes, yo.