Every year, we see tonnes of posters sprayed across walls in anticipation of the SU election. Some posters are good. Some are bad. The Gauntlet Election SWAT team, consisting of Isaac “Techno” Azuelos, Brent “Cynic” Constantin and Andy “Sunny” Williams, brave the horrid conditions to offer a constructively critical perspective on SU election candidates’ posters. Here they lie in the order they were found.
1) Hardave Birk, president
Andy: I thought his eyes were redder than the poster shows.
Brent: It looks pretty professional, although I don’t know why he wants students to think one of his legs is longer than the other. He’s sort of leaning to the right. He’s a right-leaning candidate.
Isaac: Well it’s camera left.
Brent: Which is it Hardave? Left or right? Make up your mind!
Andy: That looks like a fat-cat suit to me.
Brent: That’s what I was going to say!
2) Jason Cole, VP external
Andy: This looks like it was made in MS Paint. That’s all I have to say about that.
3 and 4) Matt Diteljan, VP student life & Patrick Straw, VP operation and finance
Andy: Here are two fellows, Matt and Pat, who really love themselves.
Andy: I don’t know if that poster could be any bigger, or contain any more colour.
Isaac: I wonder where you would get something like that though.
Brent: What the pony?
Isaac: No, the poster.
Brent: Do you think they get WiFi on that horse?
Isaac: Two guys on a horse doing business-y things together doesn’t in any way seem suspicious . . .
Andy: It gives off that Brokeback Mountain vibe to me, I don’t know if anyone else feels that way but–
Brent: Do you think there’s some oats inside of that briefcase?
Andy: No, they’re strictly business, so there’s probably some kind of papers.
Brent: Well horse business, obviously.
Andy: He is reading the business section of the paper
Brent: Sort of lost in the forest, aren’t they? Do you think they had another horse take that photo for them? I also noticed that they’re riding bareback. That’s a horrible example for safe sex around the school.
5) Chris Palmer, Haskayne rep
Andy: Not sure if I like the fake crinkling of the paper–I don’t understand why he didn’t just actually crinkle the paper.
Isaac: That would have taken time.
Brent: Well that says Chris Palmer doesn’t have enough time for students. Chrispalmer2011.com, to distinguish himself from future campaigns and past campaigns.
Andy: Right, he has a domain for every year I’ve heard.
6) Nishita Gupta, science rep
Andy: Clearly a science student. There is too much going on in this poster.
Brent: Not really readable from a distance. I think someone needs to tell her that bolding every other word doesn’t really have any effect.
Andy: The point of bolding is to make something stand out.
Brent: So if everything is bolded, it all stands out.
Andy: That’s science right there. Scientific facts.
7) Tom Hanger, Haskayne rep
Andy: I’m not really sure what this is, is it a mug shot?
Brent: I’m not really sure if he goes to school here.
Andy: It looks like his hair line is receding.
Brent: Yeah, I know that pain all to well.
8) John Hampson, Board of Governors
Andy: I thought that was Draco Malfoy.
Isaac: I still stand by my vampire comment. He still looks like a vampire.
Brent: He has the Slytheran block vote.
Andy: At least he knows how to use Photoshop. He did that colour pop appropriately–that red tie really pops.
Andy: He dyes it himself, maybe.
Brent: After his last victim it could’ve dripped on there.
9 and 10) Jason Hong & Jack Siu, science reps
Brent: I didn’t even know those were different posters.
Andy: Yeah, I think they are running as a team. If I voted for them and didn’t get an A-plus, I’d be pretty upset. Seems like that’s what they are promising.
Brent: They also seem to be targeting students who have faces made of paper plates.
11) Raphael Jacob, arts rep
Brent: It’s funny.
Andy: He doesn’t really look like a turtle though.
Brent: A turtle neck would really aid his cause.
12) Lucibelle Tan, Haskayne rep
Brent: Pretty simple message here: ‘overcome challenges’.
Andy: I’m curious of which challenges she’s referring to.
Brent: Regardless, she’s going to overcome them. It seems to me the challenge Lucibelle is overcoming is the sun heading towards earth. Or maybe it’s that she doesn’t have a jacket when she’s at the farm.
Isaac: Cold arms definitely sound like a challenge to overcome.
Brent: She started to do the Luke-Skywalker-tatooine-look-at-the-double-sun pose.
Andy: She nailed it. She’s overcome that challenge. Someone’s heckling her; ‘Hey Lucibelle, bet you can’t do the Luke-Skywalker-tatooine-look-at-the-double-sun pose!’
13) Dylan Jones, president
Andy: Hand painted . . .
Brent: Obviously he has recieved sponsorship from the “two scoops of raisins” cereal people.
Andy: And Crayola, too. They just really wanted to get their name out there.
Brent: For a young and hip audience.
Andy: And his paper looks very wrinkly, where Chris Palmer didn’t go all the way.
Brent: Yes, here’s a candidate who didn’t half-ass it in the crinkling of his paper.
Andy: Nailed it! He overcame that challenge.
Brent: Staring directly into the sun with Dylan Jones.
14) Matt McMillian, VP external
Andy: Its just a piece of brown paper that says his name.
Brent: Are we supposed to write on here?
Andy: I feel like I’m at Montanas where they cover the table with brown paper.
15) Sarah Nasser, Haskayne rep
Brent: Do you think she’s naturally out of focus or is that a camera effect?
Andy: I think it’s natural.
Brent: ‘Let’s get down to business’
Andy: See she’s running for Haskayne Rep so it’s a pun, a play on words . . . Uh, if you like easy jokes, vote for Sarah Nasser.
16) Vincent St Pierre, VP operation and finance
Brent: I think what Vincent is saying, “Vote for me, or I’ll continue to abuse my dog.”
Isaac: I wonder how many people know what “dogfort” actually is.
17) Alyssa Stacy, VP academic
Andy: It’s terrible
Isaac: Yeah, I’m not really sure what the sticky notes are supposed to be.
Andy: They’re supposed to add a personal touch.
Brent: Yeah, a personal touch of having access to Staples.
Andy: If this was in colour, her shirt would be shiny I think . . .
Brent: Yeah that’s why it was in black and white; there wasn’t a paper glossy enough to handle her metallic shirt.
Brent: I think, if anything, we can either assume that she’s not that great at Photoshop or that she has some serious skin and leg conditions. I’m not sure if that’s excitement or upsetting. Also, I think students should vote for Alyssa for her incredible strength to hold up eight, what is that ten books for one class?
Isaac: Plus a miniature cow on one side!
Andy: Is Alyssa Stacy pro-genetic modification of farm animals?
Brent: Or at least meat; she’s making the cow stand next to the dead cow.
Andy: Yeah! A cannibal cow! A canni-cow!