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Dominic Fabrig/the Gauntlet

Fuck Love

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In honour of those silly few who choose to abstain from the intricacies of love and to spite the dreaded Valentine's day--now thankfully behind us--the Gauntlet presents some potential selections for a kick ass February mixtape, affectionately called "Fuck Love."

"Fistful of Love" by Antony and the Johnsons from I am a Bird Now.

This standard tale of a lover scorned turns sinister when Antony starts recounting how his usually distant lover makes it up to him: through tender SM.

Key lyric: "I feel your whip and I know it's our love/I feel your fists and I know it's our love."

"Rusted Gun of Milan" by Art Brut from Bang, Bang, Rock and Roll.

These cheeky Brits offer up a touching tale of erectile dysfunction proving the young and supposedly virile are just as prone to the affliction as the old.

Key lyric: "DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS! DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"

"Fucking" by David Banner from Certified.

Gangster rapper, David Banner, gets rid of all the bullshit behind hip-hop slow jams leaving only the raunchy sex, which is what they're all really about anyway.

Key lyric: "Girl go on lose your mind/Let my dick touch your spine/Cum four or five time/South side bump and grind."

"Sin of 17" by Falconhawk from Hotmouth.

Calgary's own Kara Keith gets freaky and disappoints legions of local scenesters in the process by professing her desire for an underage boy. Calgary music doesn't get much more naughty than this.

Key lyric: "You don't have to talk or speak/Just bring your Trojans and a Sheik/I won't tell on you."

"Chelsea Hotel No. 2" by Leonard Cohen from New Skin for the Old Ceremony.

Leonard Cohen has always carried the image of being hedonistic in his early days. If he didn't write such poetic songs during the same period he'd probably be remembered as nothing more than a crass womanizer. "Chelsea Hotel No. 2" doesn't do much to counter the ladies' man persona, instead it tells the story of a random hook up with an unattractive fellow musician.

Key lyric: "I remember you well at the Chelsea Hotel/That's all, I don't think of you that often."

"Flower" by Liz Phair from Exile in Guyville.

Before her middle of the road pop days, Liz Phair used to be a worthwhile musician. She made waves in the early '90s for her candid discussions about sex, which was apparently unheard of from female pop artists at the time. Phair gets downright nasty on "Flower" and scores humour points for calling a penis a "jimmy."

Key lyric: "You're probably shy and introspective/That's not part of my objective/I just want your fresh, young jimmy/Jamming, slamming, ramming in me."

"I Thought you were my Boy Friend" by The Magnetic Fields from i.

If the religious right ever got a hold of this song they'd have a field day. The song is practically proof gay men are more promiscuous than the average, repressed, middle class, sexually frustrated, white man.

Key lyric: "Love or not I've always got 10 guys on whom I can depend/And if you're not mine one less is nine, get wise/I thought you were my boyfriend."

"Nimrod's Son" by The Pixies from Come on Pilgrim.

A little ditty about everything incest.

Key lyric: "My sister held me close and whispered to my bleeding head/You are the son of a mother fucker.'"

"Fucked with a Knife" by Cannibal Corpse from The Bleeding.

Love can't get fucked much more than being fucked by a knife.

Key lyric: The Gauntlet is not a family paper and The Gauntlet supports freedom of the press, but the Gauntlet does not want to print a lyric from this song.

"Lazy Line Painter Jane" by Belle and Sebastian from Lazy Line Painter Jane.

This raver proves sex isn't about love, commitment or even biological urges. No, sex is all about passing the time when there's nothing better to do.

Key lyric: "You will have a boy tonight/Maybe you will have a girl tonight/On the last bus out of town."

"Lovers Need Lawyers" by The Good Life from Album of the Year.

Nothing puts a cramp in feelings of love like an upbeat song about divorce.

Key Lyric: "I could never take another's hand/It's to you I'm condemned."

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Very impressive playlist, Garth. You've inspired me to come up with one of my own; here are some picks:

"The Ballad of Tom Jones" by Space featuring Cerys (found on Now That's What I Call Music 39)

"If music be the food of love, play on," says Orsino in the opening line to Twelfth Night. Such is the case in this track, a quirky duet about a couple who despise each other so much they want to kill one another, but the urge to kill fades whenever they play a Tom Jones record or hear him on the radio. Urge to kill fading...fading...fading...rising! fading...

Choice lyric: "Still haven't solved our problems/ You mean we hate each other's guts/ Still wanna poison your pizza /And I still wanna cut off your nuts"

"Won't U Please B Nice" by Nellie MacKay (Get Away From Me)

With her debut album entitled Get Away From Me, this chaunteuse is clearly the anti-Norah Jones. She's been touted as Eminem and Doris Day's lovechild. Unfortunately, the fuckers at Columbia decided to drop her the day before her sophomore album was supposed to come out in stores, very much to my chagrin.

Choice Lyric: "Isn't it nice/Together we'll always live/No sin or vice/We'll vote conservative/If you run/I'll pull a gun/Give me head/Or you'll be dead/Salute the flag/Or I'll call you a fag/So won't u please be nice?"

"I'm Not in Love" by 10CC (The Original Soundtrack), also nice cover by Olive (Trickle)

A flirts with B, B flirts with A, A develops feelings for B, B just wants to flirt/be friends/enjoys the ego boost, A confesses feelings to B, B weirds out, and everything gets uncomfortable. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Choice lyric: "I like to see you/
But then again/That doesn't mean you mean that much to me/So if I call you/Don't make a fuss/Don't tell your friends about the two of us"

You have to love "Wish Me Well (You Can Go To Hell)" by the Bouncing Souls
The loving exchange between a male and female voice.
Key lyric: the whole song ...
"I've got to be me baby and you gotta be you Something isn't right but i know I love you I only want what's best I don't know Is this some kind of test. Yeah and you're failing all we do is bicker Say goodbye Kiss my ass I hope you die Wish me well You can go to hell We were so different a short time ago Love is supposed to make us happy supposed to make us grow But I just wanna punch you in the face I love you i guess needed the space Oh well another time and another place Say goodbye Kiss my ass I hope you die Wish me well You can go to hell"