Academic Probation

The King is dead. Long live the Queen!

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You've heard rhetoric during this year's election race about health care and social spending. You've heard the debates about abortion and gay rights. And you've most certainly seen the CD advertisements for a book-on-tape version of Jean Chrétien's lack of planning skills. Unfortunately, you've been blinded by these so-called "political issues" and have been kept in the dark about the real concerns of the Canadian people.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the hottest of them all?

Our good friends at amihotornot.com (read: Am I Hot or Not?) provided us with the tool to settle this, the most important of all political debates. The investigative journalists here at the highly respected Academic Probation department of the world-renowned Gauntlet worked through the night to bring this information to you, the voting public. For it was our goal--no, it was our mission-statement--to preserve and protect the long-standing and noble tradition of democracy in this country.

By now, you heard of the large majority government the Liberals formed and delighted in the disgraceful failure of the party formally known as cCRAP. However, there's something Peter Mansbridge didn't tell you; it's something that rips and tugs at the hearts of Canadians--a truth that reveals and highlights the failures of our voting system.

For if it were up to the online masses--the people with the real concerns--Jean Chrétien would not be Prime Minister at all. In fact, his adoring fans rated him a 4.3 out of a possible 10--38 per cent hotter than all other men (on the site). That may seem like quite an accomplishment, especially for someone whose Þscal policy looks as outdated as he does, but he was no match for the hole in Calgary's Alliance donut, Joe Clark, who ranked a 4.8. Nor did he out-cool or out-hip Stockwell Day, who ranked a troubling 5.7--one can only assume that the majority of the raters forgot how "stacked" he looked in a wetsuit.

It turns out that the goal of destroying our great nation doesn't win any points with the ladies either. Gilles Duceppe Þnished with an embarrassing 3.9. Also, it turns out, social reform is no replacement for T&A; we found left winger Alexa McDonough second-to-last of eligible candidates with 1.6.

The most surprising turnover in this year's race, however, was certainly the gain in points of Green Party leader Joan Russow. Just after the polls opened, Russow's rating emerged at a sad 1.1 only to jump to 1.5 before the voting stopped. Congratulations, Joan, on the signiÞcant inroad. Of course, we all knew it was only a matter of time before you'd leapfrog past Gauntlet Co-editor and fellow Green candidate Еvan Osentоn.

So there you have it. The results of the leader's race at the only polling station that matters.

Alas, are we really going to accept Stockwell Day as the hottest possible candidate? Would we really bow down to this God-fearing, monkey-loathing, central Albertan "educator?" Are we going to sit back and watch this "leader" pervert the bodies and souls of Internet-surfing women everywhere?

Certainly not. Oh dear reader, I think we're a little more socially aware than that. Amihotornot.com revealed to us the "real" winner of the election, one who scored leaps and bounds over every candidate and ranked 70 per cent hotter than other women listed with a rating of 7.4 out of 10. That's right, the word was "women," not "men." This individual was one who would lead with her heart, not her wallet, and one who would look really good on a Þve-dollar bill. This person is the lovely, the talented, the colour-coordinated and flirtatiously gifted Catherine Clark.

Progressive Conservative nay- sayers can disregard Joey all they want but they know, with their scared and frightened hearts, that a political party is not about one man. It's all about his sultry daughter and the webheads who have made her their queen.

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