Fearing regime change through force, the Gauntlet held its free and democratic elections on the first day of war in Iraq.
"I will not leave the office!" screamed a triumphant Lawrence Bailey, who won the Editor-in-Chief election by one vote. "I will also tell my sons to stay put!"
Other candidates were not so lucky.
"I guess I'll have to concentrate on killing horses for glue," said Nicole Kobie, who came in second. "I will get my degree, go out to stud, and enter the adhesives business.
She added, "do you want any glue?"
Jeff Kubik, who came in third with three votes more than zero, had little to say.
"Comments? You'll hear about at the review board," he said, before angrily departing the scene.
The News Editor race came down to Natalie Sit and Dale Miller.
"I like the NDP," said Miller, who lost the vote by ten points. "In communist China, elections win you."
Natalie Sit, a well-known red-baiter, was not impressed with Miller's comments.
"What a piece of Khruschevite scum," she said, from her temporary residence in Nanjing. "In today's moral climate, his sort of candidacy is hardly acceptable."
Turnover occurs May 1, 2003.