Academic Probation
Jen Grond/the Gauntlet

Seven steps to a happy, healthy existential crisis

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1) Watch Into the Wild

It's our generation's Easy Rider. Society man- society, society, SOCIETY! After watching the movie one realizes that the skills to kill, skin and preserve moose meat are necessary for a proper existential crisis. Unfortunatley we were unable to locate a method to do this. Here is a chicken wing recipe:

Serving Size: 12

Preparation Time: 30:00

Ingredients:

3 pounds chicken wings*

1 bottle kraft spicy BBQ**

1 1/2 teaspoons red cayenne pepper

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons black pepper

1/2 teaspoon minced garlic flakes

1 teaspoon minced onion flakes

3 tablespoons worcestershire sauce

2 tablespoons green dragon sauce (or jalapeno sauce)

1 tablespoon tabasco sauce

1 tablespoon cajun spice***

*Chicken wings or small chicken legs; more wings or legs can be added if needed. **Kraft BBQ or K.C. Style sauce. ***Cajun Spice or Capt. Link's Cajun seasoning.

REMEMBER: THERE AIN'T NO THING LIKE A CHICKEN WING

Preperation method:

In a crockpot, add chicken BBQ sauce, and all spices.

Stir and heat on low for four hours. To serve, I suggest you prepare the Cajun Rice Recipe, and after the buffalo wings are cooked, prepare the rice, pour the rice into a container or casserole dish and spread out evenly.

2) Buy Herman Hesse's Siddhartha. Read it. Love it. Choose to live it.

3) Buy Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness. Put it on your bookshelf. Stare at it in fear at least once each morning.

4) Plane ticket to India is too expensive, and Indian food is too spicy, move to Nelson, B.C. Remember to bring your copy of Being and Nothingness and Into the Wild. Place the former on a coffee table alongside a small collection of cigarettes you have rolled, watch the latter. Think deeply while smoking.

5) Cook some chicken wings. When about to dig in, see image of chiackadee in Easter candy advertisement on television. Begin to feel horrible about the slaughter of chickens. Don't eat the wings.

6) Get hungry. Find the bar serving the cheapest wings in town. Consume basket of seven-cent wings. Thirty minutes later start to feel very, very ill. Return home. Clutch stomach. Cry a bit. Wake up next morning feeling better, but a little disillusioned. Decide to watch Into the Wild again to lift spirits.

7) After watching Into the Wild 500 times, decide to read obscure Tolstoy books like Alex. Conclude, as he does, that true happiness must be shared. Scorn existentialism, throw out Being and Nothingness, get married.

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