Everybody wants an audience

By Erin Maduck

People find different ways to express love. Some couples radiate love by exercising especially intense stares. Others buy lavish gifts. Many partners show appreciation through simple, physical gestures, and the rest might even have enough courage to state explicitly how they feel. But among all of these acceptable methods of mushy, romantic interaction lies only one that is totally despicable: groping. Couples who feel the need to show the rest of the world how much they love each other in order to convince themselves are the most despised individuals in the mall, park, and (of course) on the University of Calgary campus.

Lunchtime is usually an enjoyable part of my day. I purchase some institutional Mac Hall slop, grab a friend, and look for a place to sit. But, unfortunately, there are days when finding a seat is virtually impossible and I am forced to venture to an alternate spot such as the third floor of new Mac Hall. Although this sounds like a decent idea, the reality is quite contrary. Just as we reach the peak of the stairs I notice a very offensive trend. Couples everywhere are laying, spooning, smooching and cooing. There are big couples, small couples, short couples and tall couples-they occupy every built-for-more-than-two-people couch in sight. Instantly, my skin begins to crawl. Why, why, why do people feel the need to behave this way in public?

I think I have figured it out.

First and foremost, gropers grope in a feeble attempt to tell us they are desirable picks. An extreme groper wants the general public to see that someone actually wants to rub their upper thighs and kiss their neck. These types of attention-seeking gropers are most commonly found in blatantly public places such as a mall or C-train bench. They pretend to phase the rest of the functioning population out while they cuddle and caress; they pretend not to notice when the rest of us are noticing. Well, if you are one of these gropers who gropes just for the sake of groping, do not fret, because I will help you see the light. You look like an exhibitionist goof when you inappropriately grab, grope and fondle your loved one. We do not admire you. Instead, we bow our heads in spirit of your shame and wonder how you could be so oblivious to your own plea for ridicule. Please stop.

Couples who repeatedly offend with romantic displays also do so because they watch too much television. They watch old reruns of Saved by the Bell or Beverly Hills, 90210 and notice that “cool” couples like David and Donna are always groping in public. They try to emulate this exciting romance in their own lives and, therefore, always feel the overpowering need to French kiss in crowded hallways. These Hollywood gropers do not stop at physical imitation of TV behaviors – TV vocabulary is also adopted. They whisper yucky, overused lines in each other’s ears and, if they are so totally confident about their undying love, these whispers might turn into conversation at a speaking volume. Naturally, innocent bystanders are given no choice but to listen to the exchange of prime time romance. If you are a Hollywood groper you must realize that the U of C is not a comparable setting to West Beverly High. Not only are we beyond high school-type immaturity, we exist in Terry White’s reality rather than Aaron Spelling’s fantasy. Come on guys.

Some gropers use groping as a tool, and this tool can perform one of two functions. Consistent groping reassures individuals who are insecure about their relationship that his/her partner has not lost interest. These people can often be distinguished by possessive traits, and are usually involved in long and distrustful relationships. Even though it may appear to naive onlookers that these gropers are partaking in a moment of euphoric love, the real truth is that these people are good pretenders. They grope for hours upon hours in public light and then immediately go home and fight like animals. The other tool that groping is commonly used for is to help couples fool themselves into thinking that they are in love. If we look and talk like we are in love we must truly be in love, right? Not a chance. Try testing your love through other means. How about conversation or any other kind of intelligent exchange? You need to cut the lovey-dovey and realize that a relationship is built on more than senseless cooing.

It would be unfair of me to assume that all chronic gropers do so for illegitimate reasons. Some of you (but not many) might actually be so incredibly in love that it is truly difficult to keep your hands off. I have a fantastic idea for you, too. Do not waste passion in Mac Hall. Do not make the rest of us queasy. Store all of that intimacy up for one rewarding, PRIVATE moment. Take it home.

Leave a comment