Beyond 101

By Michael Leung

Hey big roller, I’ve got some odds for you on the next school year. Looking for a good bet? It’s all right here, baby. Right here.

See, in my wisened state-imbued through years of study at this institution-I know certain things are inevitable in a school year. Certain things happen every year that piss us off, enrage us and make us want to dent our skulls on a wall. Think of this as your hand guide to the bullshit of a year at the University of Calgary.

Bet #1: We will laugh at frosh. Odds: 30:1

Fortunately for us gamblers, our froshy friends do something funny every September. A few examples: They form lineups, everywhere. Like great pilgrimages, long
lines of people stem from the campus card office, the bookstore’s required book listings and the fees office. And you can always tell they’re frosh-most notably by the fact they tote around their shiny yellow binders, like beacons. And most senior students know you don’t have to look up your silly books after waiting 30 minutes in line. Most would check before the rush or simply walk to the section containing the required books. If I only had a dollar for every time I laughed at frosh

Bet #2: Ralph Klein will call a tuition freeze. Odds: 60-zillion-million :1.

Pretty safe bet here. In fact, I will shave my head if tuition does not go up this year (and you can hold me to it).

A pretty good sign this is going to happen are the trademark phrases, expressed every year around tuition increase time.

President Terry White: "We are caught between a rock and a hard place." (For the frosh, this means hmm, I don’t actually know what this means. Anyways, it means they have no choice.)

Contrast with Learning Minister Lyle Oberg: "The university’s board of governors has final say on tuition increases."

The end result is nothing ever changes. Bang, there’s your bet, baby.

Bet #3: We will not get any bad professors. Odds: 40:1.

This is what Bookie Mikey calls a "great fuckin’ bet." I got a system, see? If the prof expresses any of the following characteristics, you know you’re a winner, baby.

a) Professor wears same clothing in second lecture as in first lecture.

b) Professor does not look up when addressing class.

c) Professor lectures 49.5 out of 50 minutes-in the first lecture.

d) Professor speaks indecipherable English.

e) Professor babbles uselessly about useless topics.

These are all great signs of a bad prof. You know it’s time to put your money down when any of these characteristics are satisfied. Then, when you’re halfway through semester and the prof is still wearing that blue alligator shirt, you’ll have a smug smile on your face for being $20 richer.

So there you go, a quick and dirty gambling guide to the university sweepstakes. This is what I’ve spent the last week leading up to school doing, and I’d be a rich man if I noticed these things years ago. Instead, we laugh and just get shafted again.

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