Parading idiots and babbling fools

Here’s something you don’t hear many girls say: If it wasn’t for procreation, I would be a lesbian. Now this doesn’t have anything to do with my so-called obsession with Britney Spears, I’ve just officially given up on the male population for reasons most of you would agree with.

Guys are too simple. There doesn’t seem to be any mystery or amazement to them. And when it comes right down to it, their third leg seems to control most of their thought processes. If anyone wants a glimpse at the "inner workings" of the male brain, go to the bar-their natural environment.

I was at the Den the other night and I was amazed at the blatant lack of personality in most guys.

You know that guy you meet at the bar and for some strange reason or other, he’s wearing a Santa hat or prancing around the bar in a bathrobe. Or how about the guy who walks around with his shirt off reminding everyone that he spends all his time at the gym?

Someone kindly took the time to explain this to me once. Basically, guys have gimmicks to give themselves an extra edge and separate themselves from all the other guys. Now, am I wrong to think these gimmicks are simply indications these guys aren’t creative enough to have a personality? So, they come up with gimmicks to lure us in for five minutes only to leave us thinking it’s too bad they don’t sell personalities at Wal-Mart. I’m honestly amazed at the amount of embarrassment a guy will endure to "get that chick."

My personal favourite is the guy with an already oversized head who thinks by talking to you he’s doing you the favour. Then he wonders what reason you could possibly have not to run off with him and bear his children.

Finally, there’s Mr. Adam-Sandler-is-my-hero who just doesn’t know when to quit with the jokes. I have to give this one credit though, he has a lot more going for himself. I mean, you have to be a pretty smart to be willing to act that stupid. However, that kind of thing rarely ends well.

Now take any random 10 girls. Put them in a room, separate the bar stars, the overachievers and the ones too high up on their pedestal, and you’ll still have a good 70 per cent who have amazing personalities and a lot more going for them than a pair of D cups.

Do the exact same experiment with guys and chances are the chance of normalcy is lower-that damn third leg always gets in the way.

Granted, there will be a few guys who make the cut, but they’re either taken, still living with their parents or just going through puberty.

So I’m left thinking my lesbian friend has it right. She bitches about "slim-pickings" and fears being cornered at the bar by someone named Big Bertha but, all in all, she seems quite content with the admiration of the female population. It would take a lot for me to swing that way, but you know what they say: The grass always seems greener on the other side.



Feedback on this article can be sent to opinions@gauntlet.ucalgary.ca.

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