German spells out NBA’s salvation

Since the emergence of Dallas Maverick Dirk Nowitzki as the best basketball player in the world, the German nation has become interested in the NBA. The pick and roll and the high screen are quickly becoming staples of everyday German culture, much like good beer, well-made luxury sedans and tasty blood sausage.

In Nowitzki the German nation has a worthy role model for the first time since Willy Brandt left office. What began with our futbol team’s disastrous 5–1 loss to the dirty English quickly led to a new appreciation of the understated beauty of basketball.

As fantastic as the NBA may be, we, the German people, can make it better. Here’s a suggestion. The league needs a new playoff format that will include more fan participation. The German nation demands that seven teams make the playoffs based on their records, but the eighth be voted in by the fans.

Much like the anti-inflationary policies of the Bundesbank, this makes perfect sense. Right now, the first round playoff matchup pits the top-ranked Sacramento Kings against the Utah Jazz.

This is not good. Everyone knows Utah = boring.

The German people do not want to see Karl Malone’s ugly eyebrows or John Stockton’s pasty legs. In the new playoff format, Utah wouldn’t make the playoffs and the Los Angeles Clippers most definitely would. Instead of boring BYU ball, we would have a Blitzkrieg of playground antics starring Darius Miles and "Q."

The German public likes Lamar Odom, likes drug-related arrests and loves that antenna thing Miles and "Q" do with their hands and their forehead after a dunk. These things are easy to like. However, the German public does not like a static half-court offense based on the 15-foot jump shot.

There is also no comparing the off-court entertainment value of these teams. Let’s look at the off-season. While most Clippers never went to college, they play college athletes in movies. The German people love Van Wilder. The Clippers have a part in Van Wilder. This is hardly a coincidence.

On the other hand, when Karl Malone isn’t playing basketball he drives a big rig. This does not impress us. Big rigs clog up the Autobahn preventing our luxury sedans from driving faster.

This may sound like a rant against the Jazz rather than a sensible rule change proposal. The German people admit as much. However, America needs to realize that everything related to the Utah Jazz is wrong; they represent all the evils of the NBA. This problem could easily be solved by keeping them out of the playoffs.

This is the first step necessary to completely eliminating the Jazz and boredom from the league and the German nation supports it wholeheartedly.



Feedback on this article can be sent to opinions@gauntlet.ucalgary.ca.

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