How about more violence?

By Andrew Ross

In a historic meeting Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon met personally with Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat to discuss the escalation of the conflict between Israel and Palestine. But unlike previous meetings, where futile attempts to find new ways to de-escalate the conflict were the order of the day, this conference was aimed to find new ways to further escalate the dispute between the two groups.

The Palestinian and Israeli economies are heavily dependent on the steady influx of currency from the international media. However, events in other parts of the world have been overshadowing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict of late, and the reduced number of foreign journalists working in the Holy Land has economists worried.

"If media expenditures continue to decline at the current rate," warns a recent report, "the Shekel will be worth less than twenty cents Canadian by next Passover."

The report, from Jerusalem investment firm Galilee Financial, held equally grim predictions for the Palestinian economy.

In response to dire warnings such as these, Sharon and Arafat agreed not to agree and will begin cooperating on their mutual destruction.

"To be frank, the competition for headlines these days is quite stiff and we just can’t compete with India-Pakistan unless we work together," explained Arafat. "I mean, India and Pakistan have frickin’ nuclear missiles pointed at each other. That’s a big news draw. Then there’s the World Cup, the G8 summit, the war on terror… The list just goes on and on."

"Nowadays, we seem to count ourselves lucky if we make page three, or get a 30-second ‘in other news’ bit," agreed Sharon. "Right now we’re working at cross-purposes at working at cross-purposes, and it’s getting us nowhere as far as not making any progress."

"Predictably, this lack of tragedy has had tragic effects on the economy," added Arafat. "It’s a vicious cycle. Without tragedy, we have no income; and without income we can’t afford the high-end weapons we need to make the sort of big tragedies the media demands today."

While the details of the cooperative arrangement between the two sides are being kept secret, Sharon and Arafat did reveal the appointment of American businessman Vince McMahon to the position of Conflict Co-ordinator. The pair assured reporters that the newly created Conflict Co-ordinator will "spice things up" in the region.

"Anyone who has seen Mr. McMahon’s masterful work in the United States knows he will bring us the controversy we need," enthused Sharon.

"Monday nights will be ‘Intefadah is War", followed by ‘Crackdown’ on Wednesday nights," explained Arafat. "And Mr. McMahon assures us that Sumeria Slam is going to be an event to remember."