A victim of late night TV

By Jeff Kubik

So there I was, trying to become a more sensitive, understanding, enlightened guy, when, dropped right in the middle of my edification I find an ad for a telephone dating service with smutty pictures of hot, sweaty shower action.

I am, and have been for some time, an aficionado of late night television. I’m addicted to the mind numbing high that comes with simply allowing my nervous system to glaze over to the point of near-coma.

I can sit back and relax while watching programs so ridiculous that I find myself asking: what kind of vacuous couch fungus would have the time or desire to watch grown men rubbing shoe polish into their ample bald spots? Ah yes, that would be me.

And as a connoisseur of late night television, I want to say that I’m tired of watching fine programs relegated to second-class status. There is a beautiful world of entertainment waiting in the land where low-budget salesmen meet sleep deprivation.

Take The Sex Files as an example. Here is a program designed primarily around women’s issues and a healthy dialogue about sex. Surely, this show seems to say, "we can all be adults and learn more about the physiological processes of and feelings towards the act of love in order to increase our understanding of each other as human beings."

This is television of a quality you won’t find anywhere else.

Furthermore, I am tired of the negative stereotypes regarding the average infomercial/phone sex-ad junkie. It’s simply too easy to assume that we’re all lonely university students with greasy hair and unidentifiable stains on our sweatpants.

Au contraire. Clearly, given the number of vanity ads pumped into late night tv, it’s obvious that the myopic, nocturnal masses are perfectionists who want their wrinkles tightened, their stomachs sculpted by electrocution and their bodies carved like Grecian marble with "the power of the bow." We are a beautiful people, well fed from the bounty of our various rotisserie appliances and living an enchanted life in the magical world between Peter Mansbridge and the test signal.

So I say to every late night couch potato: rise up! Stand and be… whew… let me just catch my breath. Let me just… just for a minute… fall back into the loving arms of Ron Popeil.

I hope this infomercial goes to commercial soon: I need the exercise.

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