Set phasers to thtun, thilly goose!

By Alan Cho

There exists a homosexual conspiracy. When family value fundamentalists, WWJD silk ties drenched in the spittle of the righteous, screeched about the gay agenda, who knew they’d be so right? The only problem is, they’ve been looking in the wrong direction. Too busy pointing to Hollywood’s infatuation with lesbian trysts and sly sodomites slipping into schools to spread the love of the man juice, the Christian Coalition and their ilk have ignored the conspiracy plunging in and out of the bowels of the American military-industrial complex. That’s right, the Americans have the gaybomb and they’re ready to gay up anybody getting in their gaydamn way.

Or rather, they’ve thought about it. Newly declassified documents from 1994 reveal the Pentagon considered the development of various weapons including the aforementioned gaybomb and a chemical that caused “severe and lasting halitosis.” This isn’t a joke; it’s a once-planned $11 million project that would have taken six years. It really does seem like the American military-industrial complex gets weapon ideas from back issues of Mad Magazine. These are people who can bark, “BUILD ME AN ARMY OF CYBERNETIC BABOON NINJAS!!!” and actually get them built.

This stunning level of immaturity in even the consideration of developing the gaybomb epitomizes the fervent homophobia gripping the military in all its sweaty glory. It’s not enough they suppress the gays and lesbians among their ranks, but that they think it could be used as a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” attack on enemy morale is more reflective of their “don’t ask don’t tell” attitudes. To them Al Queda could be defeated if they were only a little more limp-wristed and talked with a bit more of a lisp. Such a dangerous line of thought can lead to instability and irrational behaviour.

The stubborn adherence to the military’s explicit homophobia is even more apparent in the discharging of 26 linguists specializing in Arabic and Farsi dialects for being gay. In a time when the intelligence agencies are having a difficult times as it is gathering info on activities in Iran and other Middle Eastern states, does purging translators during a shortage seem the wisest course of action? If citizens had to suck it up when civil liberties were being taken away in the name of national security, the military can’t buckle down and properly tolerate gays?

Homosexuals trump terrorists, it seems. They’ll besiege our cities to give our teenage sons makeovers and decorate our living rooms. Deciding to pout and keep the gays out of the military clubhouse except as a form of juvenile punishment does so to adverse effect on the ability to protect and mobilize their resources. The military’s hard adherence to their anti-gay stance is going to come pound them in the ass like a jackhammer in the future.