By Kyle Francis
And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and [George Bush did go forth to the heathen land] conquering, and to conquer. And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see. And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword [to smite down terror and China, if it be stepping up.] And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine. [And so did a glitch in homeland security not allow the red cross to distribute aid packets to New Orleans when they needed it most.] And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.”
War on an idea threatening to become war on a world power, bizarre wolf migration patterns, a string of hurricanes, a tsunami, unusual tectonic activity and Martha Stewart’s release from prison. Taken separately, recent events range anywhere from slightly inconvenient to mildly catastrophic, but taken as a whole they can mean only one thing: The apocalypse. Ragnorok. The horsemen ride.
The red horseman is the one bearing down upon us the hardest. Earlier this year, China threatened to invade Taiwan if they declared independence, and George Bush made comments to the effect that America would not stand idly by while a sovereign nation’s independence was threatened. These remarks go contrary to others made in 2003 when Bush said outright that America opposed Taiwanese independence. China is a country of 1.1 billion people, making up about 1/6 of the world’s population. If a military powerhouse like America went to war with a country of this size, it would undoubtedly be one of the bloodiest in history.
“And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind. And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.”
This passage makes reference to the sun going black and the moon turning the colour of blood. This is obviously a take on the Norse end of days: Ragnorok. During Ragnarok, Fenrir, the wolf son of Loki, consumes the sun and moon with his epic jaws. The wolf population in the Rocky Mountains has more than doubled since 1999. This population explosion in North America is a clear indicator of widespread wolf-restlessness, and is without a doubt correlated to the inevitable escape of Fenrir from his underground prison. More important than the passage’s mention of celestial cataclysm, though, is its mention of land movements.
Last year, the Cayman Islands and Jamaica were nearly wiped off the map by hurricane Michelle, in a show of God’s great fury. More recently, Thailand was nearly obliterated by a tsunami, New Orleans actually sank and Vancouver Island moved three millimeters in two days–a tectonic event so unprecedented, some of the worlds foremost geological experts believe it could be an early indication of an earthquake massive enough to send Vancouver Island adrift toward Japan–yet another display of God’s great fury. All of these events are somewhat aquatic in nature, lending gravitas to the theory that Jormungand, the serpent son of Loki, shall indeed erupt from the earth once again trapping the land whole in its nefarious jowls.
The third and final child of Loki, Hel, the queen of the damned, just got out of prison. Martha Stewart was sentenced to prison in 2004 for insider trading when it became apparent she was lying to investigators, and was released on March 4, 2005. This woman is supposed to represent the abstract idea of homely goodness, the living embodiment of “mmm, just like mom used to make,” and she lied to federal investigators just to make a little extra pocket change. Now she gets released, and is immediately handed two new television spots. If this is how ignorant Martha’s rabid following is, no one is more worthy of the title “Queen of the Damned.”
With the return of the queen so shall a great fissure crack the earth in twain, spewing menstrual blood and boiling feces toward the heavens. So shall the vile concoction rain down on the homosexuals, adulterers and people who talk at the theater. So shall the end of times come to pass, and so must we hold fast.