I have a time machine, you know

By Gruaak Crommow

One of The Future’s most widely enjoyed columnists and an outspoken advocate of its PolyOral Rights Movement–his beaked second mouth housing the otherworldly, beautiful scream considered the movement’s aural mascot–Gruaak Crommow has seen fit to lend his time-machined self and often inadvertently audacious ruminations on the sad state of the past (widely regarded as the present by most of its residents) as a special to the Gauntlet’s own Academic Probation section. Caution: Below Opineth Insanity.

[Ed. Note: We apologize for lack of clarity in Mr. Crommow’s writing. We asked him about it and he informed us in the future all communication is performed via cell-phone text messaging, even when in close proximity, and “[his] pastlawyer in the past would pnuch (sic) us in the moneyholezz if we changed NEthin!!!”]


Okay I bet u think it’s not time to talk about abortions and junk but guess what it IS!!!!! Ladies and also boys on both sides of the sidewalk, i wuz standin and watching u yetsreday (you may might have seen me I was the cartoon bird in only his unnapants) and I gotta say ur campaigns need some work!! Antibortos–if y’all want ppl 2 identify w/ your cause you should v. prob. use pictures of things that don’t look like delicious jelley candies, and Probortos, it really doesn’t help ya cause that u wrote all ya stuff on sheets and stood there like ladies all doin the laundry for they husbands in the 1950s (I’ve been there {in my time machine!!!!!!} so I know what it looks like!!!!(!!!)).

Asides both of u guys’ argument are what’s called in the future as “mostly not good.” Both you guys rely pretty much only on ad-hominem and the vague definition of sentience 4 u arguments to b rite, so basically when you look at it this way ur practically arguing the same thing.

I wrote u a haiku:

Shut Up Shut Up Shut

Please Stop Coming ‘Round Mah Digs

How ‘Bout Now? Or Now?

As a side note,, in the future mermaids are REAL and theay ALL have DDDDDD∞-sized BREASTS! 🙂 RADBADICAL!!!!!!!!!!!


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