Opinions
Aames Banto/the Gauntlet

Does Bush walk the walk... on water?

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"Religion has never had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Kashmir, The Inquisition, The Crusades, and September 11th, to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shall not kill. "

-George Carlin

President Bush often speaks of religion as his guiding influence, citing unconfirmed reports that God talks through him. If so, I am becoming a little worried about God's grammar. It all struck me as obvious to see whether or not the world's Christian-in-Chief follows the rules spoken to Moses on Mount Sinai.

I am the Lord thy God, you shall have no other Gods before you

Like the tragedy of Narcissisus, Bush gazes into the pool of presidential self-love and sees a second God. When he prays he is praying to God, but also to himself. Self-worship is heresy, Bush has been a bad boy.

You shall not take the Lord's name in vain

President Bush doesn't seem to abuse the Lord's name nor use it in any context but the fanatical, but overuse can be abuse too. I'm not sure Mr. Bush clears his uses with the Christian copyright board or uses proper citation when giving his work the stamp of God's approval.

Observe the Sabbath Day and keep it holy

Mr. Bush is not known for being industrious and I am quite certain he takes more than enough Sabbaths throughout the year. Vacations for Mr. Bush are cultural retreats, thinking times and opportunities to choke on pretzels.

Honour your father and your mother

In circles of plutocrats Mr. Bush shines with the star of envy, entitlement and nepotism. When you are handed a presidency as an inheritance how could you not honour the father that gave it to you? Bush honours his father and mother insofar as they can deliver favourable outcomes for his future. Like a spoiled preppie school boy who resents dad for getting him the BMW and not the Porsche, but he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the transfer of the trust fund.

Thou Shall Not Kill

While Bush cannot be credited with killing anyone directly, he is guilty of the law of unintended consequences. Sending confused and desperate American men and women on a proverbial death march deep in the Middle East causes his guilt to flow down the Euphrates.

Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery

I am going to hold out on this one. While Laura is surely an attractive woman, I am not sure Mr. Bush will be able to resist post presidential charisma once he is out of office and out of the public eye. Mr. Bush saw what happened to President Clinton's adulterous ways and probably realized he doesn't need that kind of stress. Like a child being burnt once from the stove once is enough. For now he will keep his hands in his Texas coveralls.

Thou shall not steal

Aside from stealing the election in 2000, Mr. Bush and his team of nincompoops have been guilty of continually stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. His tax cuts exclusively benefit the top five per cent of the population and he regularly steals civil liberties and personal freedom via The Patriot Act.

Thou shall not bear false witness

If Bush is talking he is lying, whether he knows it or not. Lying is one of the critical success factors to the job. Stare at a liability long enough and surely it can become an asset. The budget is a swindle, the war in Iraq is a fraudulent IPO and his speeches could have been written by P.T. Barnum.

Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's wife

As aforementioned, Laura is not a bad looking lady and Lynne Cheney is not much to covet.

Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's property

Like the spoiled trust fund baby he is, Mr. Bush is proof positive of what unfettered ambition and opportunity can cause. When I first saw him run for election I could hear him scream "Dad said I could have it" and I have not heard him say anything else since. While his net worth exceeds $20 million U.S., the only thing Bush has left to covet is more power.

When looking at the 10 Commandments, American comedian George Carlin proposed an alternative version saying the list was padded, redundant and silly. Carlin, always thinking highly of organized religion, proposed the following list of three new commandments:

1. Thou shall always be honest and faithful to thy provider of thy nookie.

2. Thou shall try really hard not to kill anyone unless of course they worship a different invisible man than I do.

3. Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself.

I think Mr. Bush should try to follow this list--he may do much better.

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