EH!! I’m talkin’ to you! I’m Guido Roiderelli, here to tell youz how to go to the gym the right way, so’s listen up!
Step One: Lookin’ good
If youz ain’t lookin’ good you can fuggetaboudit, capice?
Walk your skinny ass to the department store and pick up some of that tan in a bottle shit. Don’t waste the allowance money your momma earned on her backside in a tannin’ machine, just rub dis shit all over your ugly face and puny body and no one’ll ever ‘tink that youz was the pasty freak that used to strattone it to Golden Girls.
Now, ditch the sleeves. Lil’ Miss Stairmaster hates sleeves and it’ll affect your stare-to-flex ratio while youz in the gym.
Make damn sure you’ve got pants that’s extra baggy, so’s no one sees the lower and lesser half of youz body. I use white tearaways, ’cause they ain’t never goin’ out of style.
Before you leave the change room, take care of the details: perfect hair, perfect amount of gold and silver from youz neck, wrists and ears, and a good pair of club shades, cause you know youz goin’ there as soon as you leave the gym!
Now that youz lookin’ less disgusting, you can think about going to the gym.
Step Two: Walk it, own it
What d’you think she’s lookin’ at first? That’s right, how youz lookin’ when you get in there, that’s what. Practice the walk as you headin’ to the gym.
First, glare at those creepy guys in Baron’s Court just sittin’ there, they ain’t got nothin’ on you.
Next, pretend like you know how to tie your shoe and check out those foxy dancin’ broads ’til they close the door… man that is one nice piece of–so anyways!
Youz walkin’ right? Now stick youz chest out some more and pretend youz got some very heavy briefcases in each hand. Don’t move for’s nobody, not even for ‘dose slow old broads talkin’ quietly by the fountain. Youz own that hallway and people should move for youz. Lookin’ good!
Now strut youz way into the gym and make youzelf comfortable at the stairclimber nearest to that sweet thing that’s been eyein’ you up.
It’s workout time!
Step Three: The Roiderelli
Warm-up: Bring a CD player with good club tunes and spend no more than one "Hot in Hurr" on Stairmaster or elliptical thingy, cause cardios’ for ‘dem broader broads and chicks, not for tuff guyz like youz.
Step Four: Cooling down
Dat’s it, my skinny ‘lil friend, Guido’s Guide to the Gym. I hope this gets youz started in the right direction. With just a few mods, you too can be almost as good lookin’ as me–almost.
And remember, if youz ain’t lookin’ good, you can fuggetaboudit!!