Academic Probation
Charles Babbage is one of many victims of computer corruption.
Michael Grondin/the Gauntlet

Hard drive, soft principles

The dangers of improper flash-drive removal take their toll

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“USB device has been improperly removed. Data may have been corrupted,” reads the computer.

We have all been warned time and time again about the imminent danger associated with improperly removing a USB device. Unfortunately, many of us did not read the writing on the wall.

“I don’t even know how it began,” said first-year computer science student Charles Babbage. “The corruption just became more illicit and pervasive as the weeks went by.”

Babbage admits to frequently removing his devices in a devil-may-care fashion and is now facing the consequences.

“Before I knew it, my web browser was accepting under-the-table bribes and allowing companies to trample all over its terms and conditions,” Babbage said, holding back tears. “My shortcuts are taking shortcuts. I can’t boot a bit without a bug.”

Unfortunately, the corruption goes much higher up and affects more than just the average citizen.

There have been widespread reports across the globe of corruption within the computer community. World leaders fear that power is falling into the wrong hands.

“The control panel has gained far too much control,” said United Nations secretary-general Ban Ki-moon. “The control panel derives its authority from the computer community, but there is a gross abuse of power occurring. The root of the problem is the improper removal of USB devices.”

Ki-moon’s statement echoes U.S. president Barack Obama’s earlier and somewhat less popular campaign slogan “Yes We Can safely remove our hardware.”

While many are losing hope for the future, some are demanding accountability from those responsible for providing such morally vulnerable technology.

The Gauntlet asked the former CEO of Microsoft, William Henry Gates III, if he took any responsibility for this wave of computer corruption, to which he replied, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

While corruption in the computer community rages on, it is up to the average citizen to do their part and conscientiously remove their USB devices.

“I want to do my part,” Babbage said. “From now on I will conscientiously remove my USB devices.”

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