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Vin Diesel rides small bike.
Image courtesy Disney

Movie Review: Surprise, Vin Diesel still not funny

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The early '90s were sad. Besides the repetition of "righteous" and Bermuda short wearing wannabe surfers, it also marked the beginning of Hulk Hogan's acting career--one most of us would like to forget. Except Disney, it seems, as they decided to remake Hulkamaniac's Mr. Nanny.

In it, the Hulkster was a wrestler/bodyguard assigned to protect a scientist and his bratty children due to the threat of terrorist. But when those little shits scared off their nanny, Hulk becomes bodyguard and nanny. Fast-forward ten years, make the bodyguard a Navy Seal and you got The Pacifier.

Feeling guilty for the death of the family's father he was sent to rescue, Shane takes the assignment of bodyguarding the kids while the mother goes, for what is supposed to be a two day trip, to collect the contents of her husband's safety deposit box. The kids are little horrors, the nanny takes off and the mum gets delayed two weeks--so begins the chaos.

Being a Disney movie a certain amount of cheese is expected, but this movie has more cheese than even Urkel could handle. Especially the ninja fight.

Just when Shane thinks there's no hope winning the children over, he gets a gift from God when two ninjas crash through the window. Shane disposes of them using an arsenal of children toys in a poorly choreographed Jackie Chan-lite fight.

At times the movie seems like a recruitment video for the military rather than a family film. Stuffed full of askew implication, The Pacifier claims that to be a good person you need the discipline of a soldier and, what all parents want their children to know, kick the asses of those you don't like--it is the American way. Being trite and militaristic are not the film's biggest flaws, casting Vin Diesel is. Though this could be said for any film starring the no-talent oaf, this film is especially painful with his presence. He grunts and has as much range as your solidified botox injected faced aunt.

Embarrassingly, The Pacifier is one shitty old movie staring a wrestler with some cheap warmongering blended with poor performances. At this rate, expect Disney to remake Tag Team. The heart warming tale of wrestlers-turned-cops, originally staring the talents of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

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Comments

This review seems the intellecutal equivalent to a grown up pushing around toddlers in a playground. I mean, the movie IS aimed at children, no? I took my little brother to see it, and I have to say, for an American made movie, it didn't seem all that pro-army. One of the boys finds his true passion is dancing in broadway, and it turns out the real villain is a high ranking AMERICAN army officer. But I guess those points were missed in the effort to cut this movie down to size. Well done on that point- you're smarter than my 11 year old brother. Maybe next time match your intellectual wit against a movie that isn't made for kids in the fifth grade.

I'm sorry, that sounded pretty nasty, didn't it. All I meant to say is that a movie should be judged on the merits of what it's trying achieve. The article IS well written.

as far as i know the acting in this movie was done very well..as i do have to agree there were some pretty corning parts it was still a good movie for kids and their families to enjoy..and everyone i know who has seen it said they loved it..i guess u just need to get a sense of humor