By Jeff Kubik
It’s alright, you can say it. No one will judge you here.
"I don’t get it."
That felt a lot better, didn’t it? I think we can proceed now.
It’s completely alright to feel intimidated by the arts. After all, too many people who claim to prize them have a vested interest in keeping them as distant and unapproachable as possible. The fact is, if you’re yearning to understand the art house film, if you’re dying to watch the curtain rise on a professional theatre company, if your life until this point can only be completed by understanding ambient music (I know, I don’t really get it either), then you have nothing to worry about. It really isn’t that difficult.
Let’s begin systematically, from the proscenium arch to the DJ’s turntables.
Theatre
Vocabulary
Chewing the scenery–Sometimes there’s just no other way to put it: the show was terrible, the acting was atrocious. Imagine Shatner playing Hamlet and you’ll have some idea of this kind of pain.
Dinner theatre–It may not be high culture, or any culture at all, but you do get a buffet. Mmmm, gravy and thespians.
Experimental theatre–Bloody red antlers, incomprehensible dreck? Sometimes, but don’t be afraid. Just because theatre is different doesn’t mean it can’t be fun. See: High Performance Rodeo.
"Macbeth," "break a leg" and "the show must go on"–Actors are fanatical people, superstitious too. "Good luck" is bad luck, "Macbeth" is bad luck, but in the event of bad luck, damned if they’ll stop the show. After all, a dead actor can still be propped up against the wall.
Bottom line
Calgary has literally dozens of theatre companies, both independent and professional. And thanks to LiveRush, students can see main stage shows for $12 a pop. It’s cheap, it’s live and the experience of theatre has an energy you just can’t find on the silver screen.
Recommendations
Don’t take the kiddies to One Yellow Rabbit, but do pay them a visit. Crazy antics abound. For consistently fun times, Alberta Theatre Projects is always there for the eager would-be theatre goodness.
Movies
Vocabulary
Cinematographer–One who cinematographs. Also known as the director of photography. If it looks pretty, he’s likely the one to rave about.
Denouement–Remember, from high school? It’s that stuff at the end, after the climax. Like a delicious post-coital cigarette.
Mise en scène–The way a scene is set. It’s French.
Widescreen–You like this. Full screen wakes you up in the middle of the night like a post-coital nightmare. The bars at the top and bottom are your friend, allowing you to see the film in its original aspect ratio goodness.
Bottom line
The Uptown Stage and Screen, conveniently located downtown, is cheap in the way sucker punching Christopher Reeves is cheap. Remember, art house films have more nudity than you can shake a stick at. Culture can be fun kids!
Recommendations
Bubba Hotep is coming sooner than you realize, Bruce Campbell once again fights the undead. Learn the name, the man is a god. Watch movies directed by Terry Gilliam. The man was in Monty freaking Python, after all.
Music
Vocabulary
"Ambient"–It’s a whole damned genre. Most of us wouldn’t sit for hours watching the live version, but just think of it as theme music for your smoky basement.
Bridge–It isn’t a chorus, it isn’t a verse, but it comes it comes with a slice of cantaloupe. Usually the part that links the chorus to the guitar solo. Rock on.
Indie–It used to be "college rock" then it was "alternative" and now it’s a surefire ticket to "cred." Whatever that is.
"Post-rock"–Some bands think playing the same three notes for half an hour is a good idea. It gets slowly louder then quieter again, leaving you feeling the emptiness in your soul.
Bottom line
Go out, ravage the second-hand stores for the discs you can’t find at HMV. Remember, music is only good as long as other people haven’t heard of it. Don’t worry about the underground being too abrasive–pretty is the new heavy.
Recommendations
Elliott Smith may be dead but his music is still cutting edge. And, even though no one may actually like it, My Bloody Valentine is the indie equivalent of a secret handshake. Learn it, live it.