Academic Probation
One student’s discovery could potentially change awkward portraiture for humankind.
Michael Grondin/the Gauntlet

Student discovers perfect not awkward position for hands in pictures

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One University of Calgary student may have discovered a solution to one of the greatest dilemmas since the beginning of portraiture.

After two decades of struggling with awkward hand positioning in photographs, third-year philosophy student Anthony Foster decided to take matters into his own unphotogenic hands by creating the ultimate hand position.

“I never knew what to do with my hands when having my picture taken,” said Foster. “I just kind of got to this point where I had to say enough was enough. No longer would I let my life be ruined at the hands of my awkward mode,” he added, actually using the word “mode.”

Foster said he had been working for nearly two years on a solution to the problem, and after much research and experimentation believes he has discovered the ultimate hand position.

“What is great about this pose is that it’s so versatile,” said Foster. “It’s very formal yet comfortable. It says ‘I have authority, but at the same time I’m just like you.’ I call it ‘Cool English Teacher.’ ”

Among other features, Foster claims that this new pose is appropriate for all demographics, seasons and events.

“This is, hands down, going to be the next big thing,” said Foster, with probably more self-assurance than was situationally appropriate.

Despite its apparent success, Foster has taken every precaution to ensure the secrecy of his discovery, the most dramatic of which was the decision to never appear in another photograph ever again.

“I’ve never had anything handed to me,” said Foster, at this point on fire with the hand puns. “I have worked very hard for this and I am not about to reveal my secret. I will not let anyone get their hands on it,” he continued, exhausting the joke.

Currently, Foster has plans to patent his discovery, and only time will tell if that endeavour turns out to be a massive waste of his time and resources.

Foster said that for him, this is just the beginning, and he very much looks forward to solving and never revealing the solutions to many more great mysteries of the universe.

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