Academic Probation

Student hospitalized from too much school spirit

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Orientation Week 2013 has already claimed its first victim. First-year nursing student Sarah Beth Duncan was hospitalized Wednesday after suffering too much school spirit. The new student was taking part in orientation week activities when she collapsed and started seizing late Wednesday afternoon, after meeting the Students’ Union. Duncan was rushed to the Foothills Hospital, where doctors say that she is in critical condition.

“Sarah Beth was just overcome with the school spirit,” said April Hemmington, Duncan’s new best friend who she met Tuesday morning. “She had read the common reading book twice, she was answering all the questions in the common reading group discussions and she had visited all the booths at the campus resource fair on Tuesday. I told her to slow down and show a bit more apathy, but she wouldn’t listen.”

Sources say that Duncan first showed signs of suffering from too much school spirit at the pep rally held on Tuesday, but her orientation leader disregarded the warning signs. Duncan was eagerly taking notes at the first lecture, and was asking questions about grad school in the first year experience talk.

Duncan was quivering when she thought of all the great deals at the Target After-hours shopping experience, and couldn’t wait to see the mascot duel but, sadly, she will miss both that event and Hollerado on Friday. Her doctors say that she just won’t be able to handle the excitement and will have to stay in her induced coma.

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