By Rob Engen
Divination is a big business as it seems there is no price that the mewling masses will not pay for messages of guidance on their future courses and advice on what the upcoming week holds for their short, brutal lives.
As of late, however, we at the Gauntlet have started to notice that most horoscopes are filled with happy-happy, self-empowering tripe, rather than the short, brutal truth that our readers deserve.
Since life simply does not work in happy-happy ways, our conclusion is that the stars are lying bitches.
Our faith in traditional horoscopes thus sundered, we Gauntleteers have adopted a new medium for penny-dreadful predictions, having chanced upon an ancient form of divination so terrifying in its accuracy that it was banned from the courts of Babylon. This is the forbidden art of tyromancy: divination through the coagulation of cheese.
This, fair readers, is the true future of divination. Having to remember some annoying zodiac sign is a thing of the past: simply select the cheese that you feel the greatest cosmic affinity toward and know what that cheese has in store for you this week.
Cheddar
Forsooth, the cheese declares wealth and power to be within your reach. You know that frat boy that asked you out on Friday? His dad owns Boeing. Go see if you accidentally kept the empty condom wrapper that he scrawled his phone number on for you.
Stars who share your Cheese: Tom Hanks, Hillary Clinton.
Feta
Chaos Theory has decided to embody itself in you. If your cell phone starts ringing in a lecture this week, it will set off an unstoppable chain of events that will begin with an irked professor and end in the Third World War and a nuclear exchange that will cost some 250 million lives. Be smart. Turn the thing off before you come to class.
Stars who share your Cheese: Colin Powell.
Gouda
Ignore the restraining order. He’s totally bluffing.
Stars who share your Cheese: Mike Tyson, Dan Savage.
Swiss
Fortune smiles upon you this week. If you wake up on a waterbed with three guys and a cute brunette, just go with it, man. Just go with it.
Stars who share your Cheese: Orlando Bloom.
Brie
I had problems interpreting the patterns that formed during this coagulation, since they seemed to be nothing but large chunky smears with no discernible symbolism. Being new at tyromancy, I consulted other members of the Gauntlet staff on the matter. Jeff said something about roadkill, while Kyle accused me of pouring salsa on it. The only consensus we could reach was that it would be a good idea for you to avoid the C-Train platforms this week.
Stars who share your Cheese: Evil Knievel.
Monterey Jack
You know that cute redhead you’ve been checking out on the bus? She thinks you’re a stalker, and has the police staking out your house. Stay at a friend’s tonight.
Stars who share your Cheese: Alicia Silverstone, Al Gore.
Blue Cheese
Stay in this Saturday and rent
some movies. Going to that party
like you planned will result in nothing except permanently blurred vision, incoherent speech patterns, and a sense that reality will never be enough again.
Stars who share your Cheese: Jack Kerouac.
Cheez Whiz
You spread easily. Hey, did you know that Cheez Whiz is only three ingredients removed from
fibreglass? Neat, huh?
Stars who share your Cheese: Cher.