Spunky the snowman

By Jeff Kubik

Feb. 11, 2003 marked a dark day for one University of Calgary student whose snow sculpture masterpiece received some forcible criticism from Calgary Police.

The previous night had seen a perfect snowfall, ideal for crafting snowmen and the stage seemed set a for whimsical winter fun. By the end of the night, snow had taken human form.

“We crafted an incredibly life-like man of snow, whom we later dubbed ‘Spunky,’” recalled student Juan Riedinger.

However, Riedinger’s unique sensibility would not allow a generic, cookie-cutter snowman. Defying traditional social snow-mores, he endowed his creation with an ample bosom and an enviable phallus.

“We had witnessed the birth of a perfect transvestite snowperson,” said Riedinger.

In a final gesture of concern for the snowperson’s obviously ambiguous sexual identity, Riedinger left him/her a sign that read simply, “honk if I’m gay.” He retired for the night, content in the knowledge that he had created something truly special.

“The next day, I awoke to the sound of a loud knocking at my front door,” whispered Riedinger, his voice shaking with the memory. “I figured that someone needed to see me in a bad way.”

Someone did need to see him in a bad way, a bad way indeed. A City of Calgary police officer informed Mr. Riedinger that his snowperson was a distraction to motorists and could result in a “stunting” charge. Given the choice between the destruction of his creation and the charge, Reidinger was compelled to fix his creation.

“Spunky deserved to keep his reproductive organs and his only form of communication as much as you or I deserve those rights,” wailed Reidinger.

Calgary Police could not be reached for coment at press time.

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