Putting things back into proportion

By Lorne Barry Ronneburg

This letter originally ran on June 22, 1989. No one seems to be stirred up by any of our recent controversy, so we’ve decided to run this older letter to set an example of sorts for our valued readers. The Gauntlet is not responsible for irrelevance.

Editor, The Gauntlet,

In response to the June 1 letter from Furry Maser (“Campus life can be irritating”) I feel compelled to air some of the grievances which have been giving me many a sleepless night.

For starters I am really bugged by people who get their tenses wrong. You know… “There’s lots of problems with this issue.” Get a grip people! It should be “There are lots of problems with this issue.” See what reading the news section of the Calgary Sun will do!?!

How about the amount of redneck racism around this esteemed metropolis? Don’t you think we should stop grousing about the immigrants who are “taking good jobs away from Canadians” and get on with our own live? Face it. Immigrants don’t take jobs away from Canadians. They fill the crummy jobs that Canadians are too darned proud to take.

And while we’re talking about rednecks let’s discuss Calgary drivers. Everyone thinks that he or she is the safest, most cautious, certifiably talented driver in the known universe. Well, I hate to say it but most of you are real bozos. That’s right, airheads of unprecedented calibre. The drivers around you are not blind, illiterate clods with crackerjack box licenses. They are just as good as you are.

But you know what really steams my giblets? Burger King double cheeseburgers and deaf drive-through order takers who only speak garbled gibberish.