First time firsts

By John Reid

I remember my first time clearly– Sears catalogue, lingerie section, with the bottle of Vaseline my mom used to rub under my nose when it was dry. I was 13 and it just about went past my ear. There were a lot of firsts that year: first date, first drink, first time on third base. My overwhelming thought was that I’m not a boy, not yet a man. Well, actually, that was because that Britney Spears song was released at about the same time, but it was along those lines.


Now, 20 and in my fourth year of post secondary, I am being faced with an entirely new set of firsts; ones that are taking me from a juvenile existence into a more mature and responsible way of life. Also, I have my first couple chest hairs and they look sweet.


Anyway, the following are some firsts that I’ve experienced recently and that you will as well, if you haven’t already. We’re virgins in so many aspects of life, perhaps if you read this and see these situations coming, it won’t be as embarrassing as when you were coming within the first 30 seconds of not being a virgin.





First break-up


It wasn’t that she made you watch The Hills, it wasn’t that clicking noise she made in her throat when she was sleeping and it wasn’t that she made you spend six hours looking for the stupid yellow dress only to go with the original blue one that she had picked out. It wasn’t even that she mentioned her ex more than you were comfortable with . . . well, that might have been part of it. The point is you walked away from free sex and that took balls. You might be stronger than you had imagined.





First real investment


You’ve overcome your lust for the bright red Mazda 3 Precidia with the grapefruit shooter exhaust, shopping cart spoiler and middle of the line rims. Now you want to make your first real investment– stocks, bonds, RRSPs, real estate. You’re paving your future and it feels good to finally realize that Paul Walker deserves a donkey punch for making impressionable young teens think that Civics with side skirts are cool. I mean, it feels good to realize that you might actually get a return on something you’re buying.





First friend’s wedding


Yeah, it was cool to see all your friends dressed up and looking sharp. And, yeah, it was hilarious when your buddy Nick puked on his date before the dinner was even over. But this may also be the first time you feel that you sincerely want to find that young lady that you could spend your life with. Now get out there and impress the bridesmaids with your “Crank That” dance, she might be among them.





First time you say no


This one for the most part still eludes me because you can usually bet if there is alcohol involved, I’ll be drunk like a grade eight girl with a four pack of Growers green apple. But the first time you can say no to an animal pleasure because it’s the right thing to do is a turning point. Whether it’s sex with that hitchhiking stripper from Toronto, that joint passed when watching Grandma’s Boy or the third pitcher Thursday night at the Den. When you are able to do this and remain socially acceptable, you can be the one listening to your friend’s story of how he was found passed out on the floor of a busy C-Train car instead of being the guy that passed out beside him.